Traveling in “style”

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I remember what traveling was say 5 years back. You found a nice peaceful and quiet boutique hotel. You checked-in in silence. Bell-boys well versed in English took your luggages and carried them to your room. The days when hotels where places of tranquility – where one could sink into one of the carefully selected design chairs and let the world outside pass by – are over? Traveling was, if not indulgence, a more expensive hobby than simply taking your car for a weekend road trip or going for a "vacay" to the next town. Cheap airline tickets, high oil prices and the rise of Asian tigers changed all that. Now every place is infested with newly rich but still quite common people.

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I also remember airlines. The amazing feeling of being escorted to your seat, being kindly smiled at and serviced fully, like your precious Bentley (lol) if you so wished. Fellow passengers were adequately distant and kept quiet out of politeness. I remember the times when I could have a smoke on-board the plane and airhostesses would kindly offer me light with a glass of champagne. I remember luggages, those well manufactured leather cases. Taking them with you to the airline was a no-brainer. Long past are those days. Now airlines are infested with small and lardy people, who are noisy and look unclean. Most of them carry everything they probably own with them all the way to the plane (as hand-luggage!) and stuff themselves next to you - huffing and puffing like the air is going to run out for some queer reason. And champagne? Hahah, I know, I must be joking! We are hardly serviced water these days! Luggages are destroyed on sight – so the best thing to do is to re-purpose your old leather cases to hold some nice magazines and a lamp on top of them back home.

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What changed in hotels – really? Can you honestly walk into any joint in this world anymore in peace! It is practically almost impossible to find a peaceful lux place without new rich people of the growing nations. They fill nice joints by crawling in from the doors and windows. You can’t hide from them. They are ever present with their constant noise and buzzing. Even a proper noise cancelling headphones would not save you from the above ground Hell they create where-ever, and when-ever they travel. 

And why do they have to be so rude! I mean honestly, a nod when you see a person walking by isn’t insuperable hurdle. And you know what, when you are checking-in or checking-out anyone or anything coming to barge-in to ask some stupid questions is not just irritating – it is a fucking nightmare! “Get your fucking face out of my sight!”

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And how about breakfasts! Ordering breakfast to your room isn’t nice. By the time it all arrives (if they got it right- which is doubtful as none –anywhere - speak proper English anymore) it is all stale. So breakfast rooms it is. There, first arrives a fat, hairy, bigmouthed Arab man, then a thin veiled fragile women followed by 5 dark brown babies all equipped with toy guns and a cheeky inhospitable smiles. 

Then, strolls in 55 small Chinese comrades with their AdiBas t-shirts and Luis Fuitton bags accompanied by 110 cameras in motion. On the left hand side, the doors open, you hear mur mur, and loud “Priviett”, and a harem of the ugliest men and most gorgeous pumped up Barbara dolls arrive with louder than life row. And just when you thought you could turn your head and run away, you are surrounded by loud Indians who complain about the color of the napkins, temperature of the room and the shape of the breakfast egg before them – and that is before they turn and realize they had arrived to a lounge area. Of course, just before closing arrives Australians - decibels hitting the ceiling. Once you finally though it's all over arrive five Essex girls wearing (wrong word I know) nothing proper on them - lipstick covering half their face and mascara dropping to their teapots. Idiots in motion!

But it isn’t over yet! When all of them have crawled back to their rooms for fiesta or siesta arrive those red faced English tarts followed by Swedes still half-drunk from last night (infamous Swedish blond girls still in bed suffering from hang-over of being too beautiful last night). Their noses verge on ceiling and they are just about to stumble on their own feet when the Germans arrive with their huge black plastic bags and empty whatever was left in the buffet table.  Finally slide in Americans, group of four, carried by a tractor. Those lardy asses sweep anything and anyone close by and with their big wide mouths they empty whatever was left on the table after the Germans depleted the food supply. Their discussion is loud and every second sentence is to do with some kind of complaint. Whatever they do not know or understand is well positioned to be subject of nagging. Yes, things have changed.  

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And in the airports?

You know the concept of queues? Well Indians do not. Queue is a fantastic construct which sweeps away redundant people out of your way so you can cut into the front to ask some trivial questions. “Yes, but I want, dthis is nodth nice behavior. I will make a complaindt. Whod ids your boss. Du you know dthat dthis is nodht good adth all!” and how blatantly obvious their obnoxiousness is people still smile at them – kindly. But - go to puke afterwards. You’ve got to appreciate new money.

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And how about Chinese? Like Japanese, they carry cameras anywhere, they come with their own food supplies (I don’t even want to think what’s in those sachets), and they look always like lost in some space vacuum eyes rolling here and there and in groups of 10 or more they mop the floors clean of dust and other questionable objects. And Russians? If they’ve been in the airport before it’s been the departure lounge McDonald’s or Gucci – or both! Speaking not a word of English they are pretty incredible people – being able to travel around the world without understanding a thing. Okay, once you actually get to know them they are pretty nice people – but the language is a barrier.

They also used to have nice Lounges in the airport. Now lounges are full of these multiplying lemmings that fan mediocrity where ever they go. Where is the “class” and “classy”! Oh, these days, on-board private jets only I am afraid.

What to do?

You have pretty much two options:

1. Roll over and die my darlings! Or book a gay “LUX” holiday! Tranquility without children, straight couples, fat or ugly people! Did you know you can even choose an age-bracket of fellow travelers? Same goes for nationalities you want to share the hotel with, and – maybe soon also, there is the dickometer. Oh splendor!

2. Sit back and relax. This is life. Take a deep breath and smile. You were looked at just like that few years back. This is progress. The more people travel, the more people see the world and more educated they are - the better place this world will be.

I wonder how travel will change in the next 10 years!

I am off to fuck. Gosh I need a good session! J

Cheerio J   

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