Gym etiquette for the gays

We all go to gym for the looks – not for the health benefits, right? I mean come on just admit it. We all want the perfect body, no ounces of fat, ripped and looking like Men’s Health cover boys. We all want to look good because the market is tough. That's of course unless you have a big fat wallet and willingness to spend. Your chances are slim if you think your fat low hanging belly is going to land you on a hot dude.

Going to the gym and following etiquette is not rocket science. Well at least so we are let to believe. I sometimes find it hard to cope with the intricacies of gym etiquette amongst other training gay guys. But most of it is just common sense.

Rule number one – even if you find someone hot act like you don’t see him. It’s the only way to get this morons attention. He is so full of himself he’d go nuts if someone doesn’t pay him attention.

Rule number two – When you see this super muscular guy training his chest for the 5^th time that week don’t mention he could spare some effort for the legs – which haven’t been trained for years. Kebab on a stick isn’t sexy but he doesn’t want to hear it.

Rule number three – You know when guys train in the gym and you are keeping your breath as any second they could break their back, neck or other body parts due to ridiculous ways of training – read; completely wrong and with too much weights. My God do not try to correct them and save them from injury. These prissy queens do everything perfectly and need no instructions or help. God forbid, you’ll get an enemy for life.

Rule number four – Cats have nine lives – you only have one. And if you love your gym don’t fuck around. You’ll still see that dumbass the next day whether you liked it or not. The worst is to make out with a super-hot guy and find he is a tinderella or a wankarella and when he opens his lustful mouth you hear Dorothy speaking: “this gold brick rd. only leads to my anus!”

Rule number five – If you really like someone – don’t bother to make out in the shower, steam, WC or sauna. It just means you are cheap and easy. And, most importantly the other guy has a bf, husband or worse – a gf! Then again if you are in for a quick wank all the before mentioned are pretty good bets. Just consider rule number four. Your are in for a treat.... lolz.

Rule number six - association. You do not want to be associated as a back-bencher. Back-benchers are those who you know have entered through the gym gates every day for the past few years and have gained no muscle mass to speak of but instead amassed themselves an ever growing belly. Back-benchers tend to enter the gym, spend way too much time dressing up in the changing rooms, wonder pointlessly in the gym floor fiddling with their phones, and after running out of batter gently flow down back down to changing rooms, shower and steam where they spend the next 1.5 hours hovering around and glancing guys with their hungry eyes. Basically – slimy, disgusting old faggots who’d be better at “Grannies’ leisure home”.

Rule number seven – Don’t think for a second that a ripped body equals healthy lifestyle. Many of the Muscle Mary’s in the gym take too much steroids or growth hormones and their muscle is just water. Also, good bunch of them dope during weekends and party 48hrs if not 72hours in row. To get a lean muscular body means rigid and diet and hard work. Most of the guys you adore have never done any and have taken the easy way. Sad part is, they don’t get it up, their body heat is fucked up and they sweat in bed like sweat sacks and in addition to muscle growth they grow bigger organs too which in the end leads to an early death. How’s that sounds for a future bf!

Rule number eight – You want your hard work to be visible. That’s fair enough. Adore yourself someplace else than gym. Nobody wants to see you training in strings or in a tank-top sized for a Chinese baby girl. It’s just gross.

Rule number nine – If you sweat like a pig use towel. No-one wants to land on your sweat pond. Firstly it's unhygienic, and secondly it stains clothes. Thirdly (and possibly) you stink,which makes you very undesirable. So yeah, use a sweat towel.

Rule number ten – your phone. Stop fiddling with it and get on with it. Wasting space by fiddling with your phone like a child is irritating and annoying. You could easily complete your gym session half the time without your phone. So do it. You are not that important you could not be un-reachable for an hour.

Rule number eleven – Take a God damn shower before using sanitary spaces. If you were raised by two pigs I’d understand but any human being knows to take a shower before steam, sauna, Jacuzzi or pool. Imagine how many others desire to sit on your germs, bacteria and sweat – or for that matter step on flooring your sweaty, dirty and bacteria-filled feet have been passing. Even children know how to behave. So should you :)