If you are straight and you did it with a guy - would it make you gay?

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The answer is plain and simple. Just think about a guy moving to NYC from Minnesota. Is he suddenly a New Yorker? Hell no! He is not! Having visited some of the bars and clubs in London does not make you a Londoner either. So a guy giving you a blowjob or a hand job does not make you gay. You know you are doing it three times a day anyway. Guys can have fun with each other and that does not make anyone gay. Nor does playing with a pussy make you automatically bi or straight. I think we’re too worried about getting a label. Some people perceive labeling others the most important thing in their sad lives. Mostly, because their lives are so incredibly dull… partly because they have never had the courage to do anything themselves. You know, labels do wear off – eventually – but for some that time is too long to bear. Especially in some God forsaken cities and towns full of hillbillies and religious freaks who – apologies – cannot fathom anything the Bible did not say.

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My bi-sexual friend explained to me that he could fall in love with same sex or the opposite sex and extrapolated that anyone wanting to share a life with and being capable to love– both mentally and physically - both sexes is bi-sexual. Now if you do not identify yourself here and you just got a blowjob from a guy you are safe – you are still straight and in my books a viable friend candidate. Personally, I don’t do straights for few reasons:

1. Most of them have unshaven hairy ass
2. They most often do not trim their hair – anywhere
3. They are more often than not seduced to drink beer with mates and they carry the proceedings around their waste line (definitely not all!)
4. Shoes…
5. And I know, a bit GAY; but un-manicured hands un-pedicured feet, lol. It’s not unmanly to have yourself in condition.

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 I came across this little article on Wiki How on: “How to identify yourself as gay?” Here is a nice step-by-step guide and absolute joke video on same topic

There are so many poor straight guys who think little fun with boys will make their precious “straightness” crumble and disappear.  Not to worry, what you’ve born with – you’ll carry to your grave.  Sorry, that’s the way it is. You are fucked! J

Cheerio J

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Top or bottom?

There I was having a beer with my (female) friend last night when I spotted a nice 189cm well-built guy walking across the street. My immediate reaction: I lift my hand almost automatically and said hello and smiled. The guy smiled back but shyly and kept walking past us. Whattafuck! And then I realized it. He must have thought I was straight! What a predicament! How could this happen to me!!

I told my girlfriend to run behind the chair next time I spotted a sexy porn star candidate walking towards us. She wryly smiled at me and lifted her glass to her lips – placed it back to our table and turned at me facing directly observing me with her cheeky smile: “Ah, a night’s first missed fuck that is then?” “Bitch!” I said between my teeth. “I am sure he is coming back,” she continued in a more conciliatory fashion.  “He was gorgeous and he definitely liked you,” She continued. “He is coming back I am sure.” I wasn’t convinced but smiled without responding.

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We observed the obvious. A gay street full of Thai boys and old farts accompanying them. Not a pretty sight. I wanted to avoid this experience as long as I could but decided today that I needed to show my friend around the town. We had spent peaceful days at beaches and at our resort and we needed some fresh air (read: stale, hot, humid and sticky town air)

I thought about my missed opportunity. One missed fuck as my friend put it. Then a group of three, Australians all of them, 100% sure, walked by with their flip-flops, beer bellies, and cheap Chang –Beer shirts. All straight, all boring. Oh well, fuckers are everywhere apparently. Not the right types though! “Why can’t I just have some a-class meat!” My friend looked at me and nodded. She sipped her drink and lighted up a cigarette.

Then it happened. First, I saw a climbs of it. Then came the full figure. The guy who passed us previously was indeed walking back towards us. “Run, RUN somewhere, HIDE!” I yelled at my friend. She smiled at me and sipped her drink. The guy was passing our place. He looked towards us (hold, hold, right timing…), and right when he looked into my eyes (or so I imagined) I motioned him to join us. He smiled, shrugged his shoulders, and joined our table. Yippee!

He was a Norwegian Viking. LOL! We chatted this and that. He had come back to see a show running at one of the Bars opposite side of the street. He asked me to join which I did without much further thinking. We left my friend to keep an eye on our bags. She can sometimes be soooo accommodating!

We sat in a theatre-like bar facing closed curtains. It was very dark. I felt the guy’s massive hand on my leg where his fingers were rubbing it. Oh, well I am not complaining here. I placed my arm almost automatically between his legs and found what I was looking for. Oh yes!

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His masculine arms, and chest where leaning towards me and I sensed his big wide mouth close to my neck. He whispered something like “I want you”, to my ear. Ok, ok, I was a bit aroused.  Then he asked me: “What are you into?” You know this is not the first time I’ve been asked this question. I have never honestly really understood how I ought to respond to it. I just replied with a “Dunno”. He smiled at me broadly - almost sheepishly. He was about to tell me just about everything he “were into”…The whole list of things he liked. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to hear it all. He could have started with something more general like favorite food for example…

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Then, there it was - bondage and bottom! Oh for crying out loud! Now did I really see myself tying 190cm tall guy into some straps and fucking him while he enjoyed himself being all tied up? OH NO! He also liked to buy go-go boys for entertainment. Why do I always meet these bottom guys with a weird taste for fun! Like it wasn’t hard enough already to meet good looking gay guys with beautiful bodies – couldn’t they all be just versatile (meaning: they like being both on top and bottom = Fucking and getting fucked).  I don’t like bottom-only guys. Why? Because it brings to my mind an image of a lazy bream – and an image of a corpse-like woman lying in bed and waiting to get fucked. So no, I do not prefer bottom-only guys.

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After the show we went back to the bar to meet my friend. I told my friend that it’s time to go. She looked at me in awe. “I’ll tell you later,” I said and ordered the check.

Now, this was the first day without sex for 5.5 months – up’s no, not quite. I did have this nice boy earlier this morning at a poolside – kind of just happened whilst we were walking towards our rooms…couldn’t help myself lol! So no, no break in my lucky streak yet!

Cheerio! J

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Tan - oh that sweet color of copper!

Hell, it’s a perfect season for tanning! Getting right tan lines though is a form of art. You know, you see people with ghastly white lines and whole areas running throughout their bodies and you think – what were they thinking!

 

Is tanned skin still fashionable? Well in Europe and the western-world it apparently still is but definitely not in the S-E Asia. the more white you skin is - the higher social class one may belong to. Considering this statement true in Europe would make many of giggle.

Tan makes people look healthier. When I look people as pale as pasteurized milk it gives me an urgent need to spray them with “Spanish Brown” color – you know the most used spray tan color in the world – and shout at them: Gosh, get away you mummy, you are making me shiver!” Pale people, like vegetarians you know, look frail but are still able to absorb huge quantities of fat in them! Pale for me is equivalent of: Unhealthy, fragile, a nest of some fungal growth and definitely something like a cross-breed of frozen turkey from Iceland, chloride, and a random biddy buried 3months ago. So why are people so insistent on staying white? Search me!

 

This year’s tanning spree for me is hard work. You know, you wake up in the morning, take a shower, apply your sunscreen, pack your pool or beach garments and stuff, get a taxi, or limo or … well a bike (also, if you happen to be in a nice 5star resort like I am at the moment – just ask the bell-boy to carry you down to the pool).

Sunbathing itself is – as said a form of art. One needs to plan everything down to the smallest detail. You know, the chair in right position, enough liquid with you to prevent de-hydration, small healthy snacks that do not turn into lakes while exposed to the sun, right brand sun classes that go well with your accessories and garments you may tie over your hips - if needed – when you stroll down the pool area or down the beach searching for eye candy. While you are at it, don’t forget condoms and lube for sudden beach boy attacks or a book that will serve you well in the absence of latter. Now then, that is an awful lot to remember already! So you see my point – well prepared beach Barbie’s and Ken’s are a rare breed and should be respected with at least an accepting nod when encountered.

Moving on to the selection of sunscreen part

There of course are so many sun creams out there. You have the average Joe’s jars with clear instructions, +50 screen, and which inevitably will let you remain pretty much untouched. Like my virgin aunt Griselda put it: I will have in my grave a very short epitaph “Returned unopened”. There will be no need for you to buy new foundation or powder to compensate your altered complexion.

  

Then there are those Betty Boob jars for god damned spastics who splash it everywhere without thinking. You know these amateurs who always join the parties either too early or too late. They will be grilled no matter how much they apply their lotion, because they do not know how to do it. And anyways, rubbing in lotion to those boobs could only do more harm than good. All the men in need gather around them like bees who’d just found their honey. The amount of trash around Betties is constant.

The lux branded lotions promises you youth, silky smooth skin and a list of other valuable attributes. It is entirely up to you whether you believe a jar of fat and vitamins makes any difference under the burning sun or not. However, 50ml jar do look much nicer than a 1liter canister of cheap Tesco’s Economy Line Super Saver Sun Cream – for Families!  

I prefer something moderately priced but with absolutely proven divine results – Lancaster’s Tan Deepener. It gives you a perfect complexion, that sought after copper tone - and fast! - with a smooth skin. For face I highly recommend Helena Rubinstein's face sun-screen (+15). 

Now, I am off to do some 5star grilling down the pool. I think I am going to skip the bell-boy carrying service though. Having packed everything I mentioned above makes me a venerable Gay Queen of the Pool Area. I think I am going to hoist the flag when I find my lux-area. “This is my kingdom girls, crawl!" I would very much appreciate if all the nice boys of this island would arrive in time too...”

Cheerio :)

Oh Shit!

 I read an article today on loudly pooing women and men agitated by it. 

'Why do loud “voices of nature” mess up men so badly?

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This one guy explained it to me: “You know first she goes to the bathroom – she looks so innocent and fragile. They close the door and apparently change! They don’t put music on or even try to hide it. They make considerable effort to push out hard whatever they were previously holding onto what is then followed by enormous splashes. It’s like they turn momentarily wild. Then they come out and want me to fuck them on the number 2 – I am horrified.”

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I didn’t want to answer to his line of thought. I knew too well what he meant.

I once met this “so-called-straight-guy” who told me he had had some experience in gay-sex but that he didn’t like it. I asked why. He explained to me that it didn’t feel good at all. "Oh!" I said and asked if he had taken some dick up his ass to which he responded simply by saying yes. “Well what was so awful about it?” I asked him. He explained that it didn’t feel so good.

I had an image of a TVG train running 300mph entering into a tunnel passage - and just finding out there and then that there already was a train in the tunnel, stopped in front of it.  I imagined what happened next...

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“Oh, so did you clean yourself up before this treat? I mean did you clean up your ass?” I asked, knowing the answer would most probably be no. “No,” he replied as expected “…why?”

There! If you’d buy a vibrating dildo wouldn’t you read the instructions first? Well, most people do. Men normally do not. They are just too quick on the trigger. Me, now, fast, and then for a beer!

You cannot feel pleasure in anal sex if you haven’t cleaned up your ass beforehand - precautionary measures against sudden attacks of nice guys in lay-man's terms. Just as that TVG train will never get to the other side of the tunnel were there another train on the same tracks ahead stopped in front of it, a guys dick  in your cute little butt won't feel that great either.” Once you’ve done your necessary errands with your rear end it all feels so much better. It can actually feel quite magnificent! 

At the same time men are complaining their women going to toilet they glory themselves with their pal's in how big poo they’ve got pushed out – and how good shitting sometimes feels. Now, isn’t that queer! No, as it happens, it is very straight thing to talk about shitting.

A tip for Straight men in their awful predicament: When your girlfriend next goes to a loo for a poo – press “play” on your über cool sound system and start to play “Ella Fitzgerald’s and Frank Sinatra’s “Dancing Cheek to Cheek"

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A tip for Gay men: When your boyfriend begs for a fuck next time lure him to bend over and shoehorn a hose into his anus. Press gently at the tap and shove it in. Open the tap and ask him to push afterwards. After few rounds your boyfriend is clean to be fucked up in the ass by his gentle and masculine boyfriend. And yes, please do not forget to press “play” on your cute little Gay-I-Phone for the evergreen tune of Village People’s "YMCA".

Yes, oh shit! And this line of thought must be at the end of its course. It is time for a swim, gym and sex! Oh, I love Koh Chang! You should definitely visit Thailand if you haven't done so yet!

Cheerio! J

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Tall Men...

There is something erotic about tall men – I’ve heard. Maybe parts of this exoticness relates to the expected size of “the third leg”, maybe not. Tall, well-built, or just slim but athletic built men do get noticed by both women and men.

Sometimes when you see midget-size women with very tall and framed men you wonder what the catch is. Like one of my girlfriends told me it requires quite a lot of legwork from guys to bend down and try to fuck from the back. Skinny guys equipped with less capable legs cannot do it she told me.

Is there something pervy about having 140cm short woman being fucked by 210cm guy? Some guys get kicks by fucking small-size girls. I mean if a guy’s dick reaches from hips to her neck then where does it fit in absolute terms when it is inside her body? Well, just thinking of it makes me puke. Or poo to be exact.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3953405/Man-with-UKs-biggest-f
eet-sleeps-with-30-women.html

I saw today two Australians, tall Australians. They both walked their feet curved outwards and they looked like penguins with “speed-ice-skates” on commonly refered as “sneakers” – sailing boats (loafers) would have been funnier.

I am sitting here with one of my straight woman friends. I asked her to describe tall men and what does she think about tall men:

“Tall men are wonderful when they grab me in their arms and make me feel the most cute and petite thing in the world. This happens to me rarely, being over 180cm and not weighing 40kg soaking wet. Too rarely… Of course a tall man needs to have also that content side checked – in every aspect. Being tall is not an excuse to have a stomach. Hanging 80 kilos of life around waistline and “heavy bones” would not suffice as an excuse. Tall men should neither look like lamp posts so that on top of them all clothes wave in the wind. They should not be dumb basketball players or runners either who after magnificent careers of sweating their pants off don’t know what to do with the rest of their lives. I have met a few of those.

Sometimes when they (can) bend down to whisper to your ear, it is hard to turn you head away.  Even if you want to avoid their words. I also long for their big masculine hands to caress me and be ready for me after a hard work day. 


I also love men’s legs. Sometime tall men have gorgeous long legs – not always though. Sometimes shorter men have more proportioned legs but I find tall men’s well-built strong legs really erotic. For me one of the most attractive things is seeing tall men with their long legs and gorgeous faces walking in front of me – yes in front of me. I just can’t but to think and get tempted to walk fast in front of them and say “hello little one – here I am”. 


Once the temptation was too grand so I did it, and this romance has been lasting whenever convenient until today. Now he calls me little one, and it’s true! Next to him I am!”

Oh well, I prefer tall men – sometimes. But I just don’t care to sleep with trunks of Sequoia Tree.

Cheerio! J

My friend is gay – has he fancied me all this time we have known?

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When I came out at around the age of 16 or so some of my straight guy friends asked whether I had eyed them in the shower rooms after gymnastic classes in high school. Morons!

I mean I know these types of questions do pop up out of one’s head in the times of crises – yes, severe traumatic experiences do also count. But it was supposed to be my traumatic experience when I needed support and not the other way around… I had to be blunt and answer that his dick was so small it didn’t deserve my attention then or now. It was the last time that topic was brought up with that particular old friend of mine.

Gay porn industry is full of sexual fantasies of +65 year olds. You know the ones that consume most of the porn in the world. Whether it’s the “gym locker rooms fuck fest”, “dorm boys getting wild”, or “Young James having doctor’s appointment with a big black guy with a huge dick”…it all about fucking anything that moves. So, like is it any wonder your straight friends think gay guys would fuck anything that happens to pass by – or want to get fucked up the ass by anything or anyone around. Especially by them! Oh Lord!

Do straight have looser morale than gays do? It is really hard to say. Statistically speaking it would be quite difficult to prove the statement right or wrong. But do gay people have more sex than straight? Well taking the marginal extremes from both sides I would say no. Take the median from both and I would say the gay side wins 6-0. However if you count in all the closet-gays who are “unhappily married” it might bend the balance closer to a tie. Then again… yeah difficult to say.

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My “happy” gay friend (LOL) woke up one morning from his sister’s couch having his sister’s husbands hand on his dick. “Uups, sorry” he said and the discussion was over. It was a subject that was never mentioned afterwards. “Weird” my friend said, “I couldn’t tell my sister because she would have either been devastated or she wouldn’t have believed me”. Not telling her was just as bad though as he confessed to me later. Now of course this is an isolated instance but you sort of hear similar stories from here and there. It’s always these closet-gay pervs who swivel either their hands or cocks where they’re not supposed to be.

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I have to say I’ve been terribly “unlucky”. No straight man has ever tried to hit on me. Why? Is there a warning sign on my forehead? Am I too straight acting? (No – it would definitely not be that) Too obvious – so that any closer ties would make their girlfriends wonder (No, I don’t think their girlfriends would mind actually). How about I am too sexy? (lol, not a chance) Meditate on this I will (as Master Yoda put it).

Cheerio! J

15^th post from FuckingFactory over

I’m having issues with my girlfriend because of her gay-male friends

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Why? I mean that’s exactly what I asked from my straight friend. The safest company for a straight girl (single or taken) out and about is with a gay guy. It is hard for straight guys to understand this. Yes, it is possible that your girlfriend, as pretty and amazing as she is, is not making any organ of my body to move left or right except eyes, which do appreciate aesthetics. Your girlfriend can be a fantastic company you know – as a friend. And as she is dating happily with you, I don’t have to go to ghastly straight places to search Mr. Perfect for her. So the gay’s best friend is happily engaged woman with a busy boyfriend? ;)

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I had a chat with one of my good straight male friends the other day. He had some trouble in understanding why I would not bang her girlfriend. “Of for crying out loud”, I said, “I am GAY!” I don’t do pussy. He looked at me disbelievingly. “But …” he started. I had to cut him short. “You know Mark, I am your friend. I am gay. I don’t eat pussy. I wouldn’t touch it with a stick you know. It’s simple as that.” Mark thought for a moment and then dared a susceptible smile. “Okay okay...” he replied with a still non-convinced look of a dog that’s just been handed 100 meaty bones.

Why do gay men have beautiful looking women around them?

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Well hell, who knows. But at least there are added benefits like for example not being taken sexually advantage of by your gay friend– ever. And of course there are things women can do more openly with gay guys. Like talk about recent boyfriends, marriages, relationships and all sorts of problems in general, latest things one has shopped, and visit the champagne bar at Harvey Nick’s in-between shopping. And you know, many gays happen to have more avant-garde taste for fashion than straight men (this came as news, right, eh). Simply put life could be that extra bit of more fun with great gay guys around.

If a woman is shopping with his boyfriend there is a little chance she’ll pick up anything worthwhile to her shopping cart. Whereas with a gay-friend she’ll find exactly those pieces that will define her that night.

Of course, having your girlfriend or wife coming home 4am totally wasted and trashed in soap bubbles from the foam party may sometimes make you wonder if the only thing she was doing out and about was dancing. Most probably she was only dancing and having fun – innocent fun. But you know, going out with a bunch sorority gal’s would definitely not improve your chances of getting your girl home earlier and more innocent.

Mm, I need to continue this thought in some later post. I think I am onto something… not quite sure what though – yet.

Cheerio! :)

13th Wire from FuckingFactory over