Hell, it’s a perfect season for tanning! Getting right tan lines though is
a form of art. You know, you see people with ghastly white lines and whole
areas running throughout their bodies and you think – what were they thinking!
I prefer something moderately priced but with absolutely proven divine results
– Lancaster’s Tan Deepener. It gives you a perfect complexion, that sought after copper tone - and fast! - with a smooth skin. For face I highly recommend Helena Rubinstein's face sun-screen (+15).
Is tanned skin still fashionable? Well in Europe and the western-world
it apparently still is but definitely not in the S-E Asia. the more white you skin
is - the higher social class one may belong to. Considering this statement true
in Europe would make many of giggle.
Tan makes people look healthier. When I look people as pale as pasteurized
milk it gives me an urgent need to spray them with “Spanish Brown” color – you know
the most used spray tan color in the world – and shout at them: Gosh, get away
you mummy, you are making me shiver!” Pale people, like vegetarians you know, look
frail but are still able to absorb huge quantities of fat in them! Pale for me
is equivalent of: Unhealthy, fragile, a nest of some fungal growth and
definitely something like a cross-breed of frozen turkey from Iceland, chloride,
and a random biddy buried 3months ago. So why are people so insistent on
staying white? Search me!
This year’s tanning spree for me is hard work. You know, you wake up in
the morning, take a shower, apply your sunscreen, pack your pool or beach
garments and stuff, get a taxi, or limo or … well a bike (also, if you happen
to be in a nice 5star resort like I am at the moment – just ask the bell-boy to
carry you down to the pool).
Sunbathing itself is – as said a form of art. One needs to plan everything down to the smallest detail. You know, the chair in right position, enough liquid with you to prevent de-hydration, small healthy snacks that do not turn into lakes while exposed to the sun, right brand sun classes that go well with your accessories and garments you may tie over your hips - if needed – when you stroll down the pool area or down the beach searching for eye candy. While you are at it, don’t forget condoms and lube for sudden beach boy attacks or a book that will serve you well in the absence of latter. Now then, that is an awful lot to remember already! So you see my point – well prepared beach Barbie’s and Ken’s are a rare breed and should be respected with at least an accepting nod when encountered.
Sunbathing itself is – as said a form of art. One needs to plan everything down to the smallest detail. You know, the chair in right position, enough liquid with you to prevent de-hydration, small healthy snacks that do not turn into lakes while exposed to the sun, right brand sun classes that go well with your accessories and garments you may tie over your hips - if needed – when you stroll down the pool area or down the beach searching for eye candy. While you are at it, don’t forget condoms and lube for sudden beach boy attacks or a book that will serve you well in the absence of latter. Now then, that is an awful lot to remember already! So you see my point – well prepared beach Barbie’s and Ken’s are a rare breed and should be respected with at least an accepting nod when encountered.
Moving on to the selection of sunscreen part
There of course are so many sun creams out there. You have the average
Joe’s jars with clear instructions, +50 screen, and which inevitably will let
you remain pretty much untouched. Like my virgin aunt Griselda put it: I will
have in my grave a very short epitaph “Returned unopened”. There will be no
need for you to buy new foundation or powder to compensate your altered
complexion.
Then there are those Betty Boob jars for god damned spastics who splash
it everywhere without thinking. You know these amateurs who always join the
parties either too early or too late. They will be grilled no matter how much
they apply their lotion, because they do not know how to do it. And anyways, rubbing
in lotion to those boobs could only do more harm than good. All the men in need
gather around them like bees who’d just found their honey. The amount of trash
around Betties is constant.
The lux branded lotions promises you youth, silky smooth skin and a list
of other valuable attributes. It is entirely up to you whether you believe a
jar of fat and vitamins makes any difference under the burning sun or not. However,
50ml jar do look much nicer than a 1liter canister of cheap Tesco’s Economy
Line Super Saver Sun Cream – for Families!
I prefer something moderately priced but with absolutely proven divine results
– Lancaster’s Tan Deepener. It gives you a perfect complexion, that sought after copper tone - and fast! - with a smooth skin. For face I highly recommend Helena Rubinstein's face sun-screen (+15).
Now, I am off to do some 5star grilling down the pool. I think I am going to skip the bell-boy carrying service though. Having packed everything I
mentioned above makes me a venerable Gay Queen of the Pool Area. I think I am going to hoist
the flag when I find my lux-area. “This is my kingdom girls, crawl!" I would very much appreciate if all the nice boys of this island would arrive in time too...”
Cheerio :)
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